by Millie Goldspink
@milliegoldspinkcf
I was overwhelmed, and for the first time I didn’t make myself do something I didn’t want to do, I made a choice for the best of my mental state
I know everyone is thinking “but it’s just one more” but for me it’s almost traumatising having to put my head and body through all that mental and emotional capacity and that it’s completely okay and completely normal that I didn’t want to do that to myself and for once, I was just the raw authentic me, crying behind the scenes, autism for you …
I felt like I couldn’t be the person who everyone wanted to see on the competition floor, but it’s not me, it’s a front! I’m not that well kept together, I’m not that confident and I am not that strong or self assured. I’m panicking, a minute away from vomiting and definitely doubting! The real me was emotionally drained (anxiety, stress, panic), mentally tired – by this I mean sensory overload (loud noise, people, not waking up at normal time, not normal routine from early on in the week in prep) and had just cried for half an hour and had a panic attack after deadlifts. Which I have now realised is Autistic Burnout.
If I had done the final and stayed, tomorrow would have been just the same if I had left and not done the final! I still came second, tomorrow will be the same.
It’s like when you go out drinking and you just know that it’s time to go home!
To me I’ve won, I would of placed high enough in the final to win but I’ve saved myself so much trauma that no one else would of put themselves through. Winning really isn’t everything. I know my worth, I know I can win because I’ve done it but I also know how much it would have destroyed me and no first place is worth destroying yourself for.
I am proud of me and the choices I have made, I would make them again in a heart beat and I don’t regret a single decision. I’ve learnt more than a first place would give me and I’m sure so many others have too. Everyone that was there will remember me as the🥇
